Ask The Commish.com - Know Your Opposition

Ahh... Fantasy Football Draft Day is approaching for most of you. It's the single most exciting day of the year and maybe your life aside from the NFL's opening weekend, Christmas, Super Bowl Sunday, the day you got your driver's license, and your bachelor/bachelorette party (for those that are married). Okay, okay, we better add the wedding day and/or the day(s) your kid(s) were born so our wives don't boot us out of our houses.

Paul Baitinger,
Bryan Hughes,
and Al Lackner
Senior Editors

As I'm sure you're aware, most fantasy owners arrive at their fantasy football draft carrying one or more fantasy magazines (hopefully including the Ask The Commish.com Draft Kit) in one hand, their favorite adult beverage (either a six-pack, Jagermeister, Jack, or the Captain) and a bag of snacks in the other hand. Okay, I admit, some fantasy owners are so worried about making poor decisions that they choose to stick with soda or water as their beverages. I can't blame them since it's admirable to keep your mind sharp for draft day. Still, what you may not have noticed is that everyone also comes equipped with one subtle attribute: the poker face.

Listed below are some different types of people that may show up at your fantasy football draft. Figure out where you fit in and where your competition fits in...your draft success may depend upon it!

The Fanatic

You've got to love "The Fanatic". The Fanatic is the guy that comes to the draft with 15 fantasy football magazines, printouts from the Ask The Commish.com Premium Services, a thick notebook that contains a detailed player analysis for each team in the NFL, a laptop PC, and a cell phone pressed to his ear. The Fanatic uses that cell phone to call his friend Joey from Maryland (who happened to win another league that The Fanatic participated in) for the latest advice.

During the draft, The Fanatic will even start talking about next year's draft. The Fanatic also tends to have thick glasses and no girlfriend (or maybe a girlfriend that no one has ever met).

If you'd like to smoke out The Fanatic in your league, simply ask obscure statistical questions (i.e., Who scored the most TDs on Monday Night Football last year?) If you hear the response, "Is preseason included?", you've found your Fanatic.

The biggest downside of the Fanatic is that he'll always out-think himself. After cramming his brain with every personal stat and calculating player "X-factors" the night before, his brain turns to mush on draft day and they're bound to overlook simple things. The Fanatic generally does well overall, but is prone to making a mistake at some point that could cost himself the season.

The Fanatic is also very likely to tick off other owners as he can take forever to select his pick. This is the guy at your draft who will spend 5-10 minutes trying to choose between backup kickers. For crying out loud, backup kickers are a dime a dozen and probably shouldn't be drafted anyway!

The Moron

Every league has one. This is the guy that shows up to your draft with no magazines, no notes, and, in some cases, no brain. Characteristics of "The Moron" include: drafting players that have retired, drafting players that are out for the season due to injury, drafting players that are holding out, and drafting high-profile rookies...from last year.

The only saving grace for The Moron is that he tends to be the luckiest person in the league. For some reason, The Moron always manages to draft that hidden gem that no one would've dared to draft in the first few rounds. He is the guy who might have drafted Julius Jones in the second or third round last year. The Moron is also the same guy that has no clue that he has multiple players on a BYE in the same week. The Moron hardly ever works the waiver wire or changes his lineup.

Nine times out ten, The Moron almost always beats out someone for that final playoff spot. Someone that really worked hard trying to make the playoffs. In other words, be very leery of The Moron and don't laugh when Lee Suggs goes in the third round this year or if Mike Williams goes in the 6th round. You may regret it later.

The Big Man On Campus

The "Big Man On Campus (BMOC)" is likely fresh out of college, and is much more familiar with the NCAA than he is with the NFL. He will come to the draft sporting carpenter shorts, a wife beater, flip-flops, a ball cap (because he hasn't showered yet), a case of Milwaukee's Best (a cheap beer because he still doesn't have a job after graduating), a sparse goatee (he doesn't need to shave but once a week since his facial hair is yet to grow in). Thus, he's pretty easy to spot!

The BMOC will surely pull the trigger on most of the rookies or second year players much earlier than anyone else would. He will draft Kevin Jones in the first round and then Michael Vick early in the second round because he went to Virginia Tech. He'll go on to have a draft that looks like the following: Michael Vick, Eli Manning, and Alex Smith as his QBs. Kevin Jones, Ronnie Brown, Cedric Benson, and Eric Shelton at RB. Michael Clayton, Roy Williams, Braylon Edwards, and Troy Williamson at WR. His TEs will be Heath Miller and Ben Troupe. Then in the last round of your draft he'll gamble on Eric Crouch citing the fact that he won the Heisman in 2001 and may still come back to play football in the NFL.

The Rookie

Typically, a fantasy league is comprised of people that have known each other for years. However, there always seems to be at least one open slot in the league. Therefore, someone always winds up bringing "a friend" who has never played fantasy football before. This owner will talk his friend into playing fantasy football figuring that he'll be easy prey for the rest of the league. But be careful. "The Rookie" is the biggest wild card of the draft. In some cases, "The Rookie" may have never played fantasy sports or played for money, but he's a real student of the game. His draft could be the one that everyone is envious of when the draft is all said and done.

Of course, the Rookie isn't always the reincarnation of Vince Lombardi. The Rookie can also take on the form of the guy that "needs a few extra minutes" when it's his turn to pick or asks for advice every now and then because he hasn't kept up with the latest news. The true litmus test for the Rookie is to gauge the questions that he asks both before the draft and in the first two rounds. If he's constantly leaning over to his friend for advice, you're usually in good shape because he could be unsure of himself. Of course, he might also be playing his friend for a fool. If The Rookie is really calm and collected with each selection, you might be in real trouble.

Watch out for The Rookie and don't underestimate him. You may be handing him your money as the new league champ at the end of the year.

The Gambler

I'm not talking about Kenny Rogers here! I'm talking about the guy at your draft who likes to gamble on high risk/high reward players early and often. "The Gambler" is similar to The Moron with the exception that the gambler feels that he is taking a calculated risk by rolling the dice and going for the "home run" pick in every round.

The Gambler is the guy that will draft Willis McGahee with the second pick overall, then snatch TO in the second round. Then he'll roll the dice on a guy like Fred Taylor much earlier than anyone else would dream of in the 3rd round and snag Ricky Williams in say the 4th round. He'll go onto draft trade for Steve Smith, and draft David Boston. The Gambler will take the optimistic approach and expect huge upside from each of these players.

He'll essentially be walking away from the draft with guys that were on IR most of last year or are risks to be on the IR this year and some real sleeper picks that were drafted too soon citing each player's career average in their healthy seasons or their potential. If everything works out and all of his player's stay healthy, the gambler will run away with the league crown, but those are pretty big IFs. Of course, the gambler will let everyone know that he has the best team and will talk trash through the entire draft. This guy lives by the sword and dies by the sword.

The Homer

The Homer is the guy that shows up to your draft sporting his favorite NFL team's hat (the Detroit Lions) and his favorite college team's (Michigan State University) shirt. The homer really doesn't pay that much attention to football other than his home town teams. The Homer comes to the draft talking about how the rest of the division, let alone the NFC can't even come close to competing with the Lions this year. He says, "The Lions are gonna kill the Vikings and Packers three times each this year, including in the playoffs!"

The Homer is the guy that jumps on his home town team's players a bit too early at his draft. The Homer also consequently never really pays attention to BYE weeks as he loads up on players mostly from one team. The homer will come away from the draft with the following:

QB Joey Harrington (Lions - 6th round),
QB Jeff Garcia (Lions - 12th round)
QB Tony Banks (MSU - 16th round)
RB Kevin Jones (Lions - 1st round)
RB Domanick Davis (he plays with Banks who went to MSU - 2nd round)
RB T.J. Duckett (MSU - 5th round)
RB Reuben Droughns (a former Lion - 10th round)
WR Derrick Mason (MSU - 4th round)
WR Plaxico Burress (MSU - 7th round)
WR Charles Rogers (Lions & MSU - 8th round)
WR Mike Williams (Lions - 9th round)
TE Antonio Gates (he initially committed to MSU to play football - 3rd round)
TE Marcus Pollard (Lions - 11th round)
PK Jason Hanson (Lions - 13th round)
PK Paul Edinger (MSU - 15th round)
Detroit Defense (Lions - 14th round)

He'll even admit that he's still upset at Barry Sanders for leaving the Lions hanging, but admits to seriously contemplating taking Sanders with his 16th round pick as he thinks he might still comeback to play for Detroit. Long story short...don't be The Homer!

The Pal

"The Pal" is the guy that wants to make sure everyone is enjoying the draft and tries to help everyone else with their draft. He considers himself the fantasy draftnik and can tell you who is on everyone's team. However, he fails to pay attention to his own team.

Whenever you need help making a decision, The Pal will always swoop in with the statement, "If I were you, I'd take this guy...". Of course, The Pal fails to remember that he has the next pick and has just revealed the player he was about to take and desperately needed. We love all you "pals" out there, but, for God's sake, stay focused and don't help others to the point that you shoot yourself in the foot!

The Fink

This categorization could also be called "The Weasel", "The Liar", or "The Cheat". But, for some reason, "The Fink" has a nice ring to it.

On draft day, the Fink is that one guy who will try to poison your mind with a lot of "what ifs". He'll also be the one person that has heard something about a player that no one else has heard and often disguises himself as "The Pal".

The Fink will try to fool people into thinking that Priest Holmes is injured for the season due and that you should take Larry Johnson in the 1st round. He'll try to talk you out of picking the best available player by saying something like, "Tony Hollings has looked good in camp and has edge dout Domanick Davis as the Texans starting RB." In fact, if you ask him how long Duce Staley will be out due to his knee injury, he'll answer, "He's already practicing with the team and will start the next preseason game as the Bus just retired." He also will never share his draft magazine(s) or his injury reports.

The bottom line is that you must identify The Fink as quickly as possible and disregard any "advice" that he may be offering.

The Whiner

Next, we have "The Whiner". The Whiner is the person that has decided to complain about the one thing that no one else cares about. Whether it's the scoring system or the fact he had to draft last in the first round and now his entire draft is screwed up, The Whiner will always find something to complain about. The Whiner will even take a few players that are much like himself (always whining about something -- i.e., TO, Terry Glenn or Keyshawn Johnson). Of course, The Whiner usually turns out to be correct and his team winds up going 2-11 for one reason or another. But, hey, who cares? Just as long as something shuts him up, you'll be okay.

The Last Year's News Guy

The "Last Year's News Guy" is the guy who refuses to let go of the team he had last year. Either he goes on and on and on about how he was just one injury or one move away from winning it all last year or he did win it all and he lets everyone know with every pick. He lets everyone know that if he could have his team from last year again (if this was a complete keeper league), he'd win it all this year, without a doubt.

This guy also tries to get the Commish and the league to change the rules every year based on the team he had last year. Because he had so many stud RBs and quality WRs last year, he asks the Commish to require 1 QB, 3 RBs, and the choice of either 3 WRs or 2 WRs and 1 TE in this year's league. He also asks that the league award fewer points for passing yards and double the QBs rushing totals before adding them to the passing yards (This way his running QBs like Vick will score more points).

Cutting to the chase, this is the type of guy that will draft a player from last year's team even though this player cost him dearly due to injury (say a guy like Michael Bennett) because he feels a sense of loyalty to that player. In other words, don't be afraid to start fresh each year.

So, Who Am I, Commish?

Now, I'm sure you're saying, "How can I avoid becoming one of the guys listed above?" The truth is, depending on who you are and the league you're drafting in, you really may not be able to avoid it. The other owners probably have you pegged already. But do not lose hope. The key to your success is to take the best qualities of each person and make them work for you. If you do this correctly, every one in the league could be calling you "The Champ" by the end of the season.

Good luck and enjoy your draft!

Schedule

Week 1
WAS vs NYG
NYJ vs MIA
HOU vs PIT
DET vs ATL
TB vs NO
DAL vs CLE
ARI vs SF
MIN vs GB
CIN vs BAL
KC vs NE
JAC vs TEN
SEA vs BUF
STL vs PHI
CAR vs SD
CHI vs IND
DEN vs OAK
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