Mike Dzus Fantasy Writer

I’d like to offer some friendly, last-minute reminders as we prepare to engage in (Fantasy Football) battle. 

When you’re playing almost any kind of card game, it’s customary to offer your opponent a cut before the deal, right? In golf, you replace your divots and rake-over your bunker tracks. When you’re bowling and the guy next to you sets for his throw a half-second before you do, you let him go before you start your own approach to the line. Is it then so ridiculous to consider the idea of etiquette for our fine game?

After the emotional wear and tear of a sound victory (or more likely a humiliating year-end defeat), and after a few weeks of mending fences with our significant other for season-long abandonment issues, we begin the long…painful…bloody…wait through the off season. Sure, the college draft kills a week or two and there are a few free agency highlights to distract us, but mostly the wait is on. And on and on…

So August rolls around, and we’re getting pumped. We’ve got the killer draft strategy. We’ve studied the revised depth-charting from every possible angle. We’ve saved our cash for this precise moment in time. And we’re ready to prove our superiority over all the other idiots who couldn’t possibly know what we know. Some of this sound familiar? Let’s face it: fantasy football attracts the alpha male profile and putting a bunch of alpha males together in one room is (generally speaking) a bad, bad idea. But it doesn’t have to be.

So before you start beating your chest and peeing all over trees to mark your territory (which is essentially what drafting players accomplishes and represents to the group), I offer some reminders. Don’t be the dork of the draft. Do be the guy who gets invited back next year by following my list of reminders below:

1. Respect the Commish. It’s hard and largely thankless work. But a good Commish is like a good Dungeon Master: it’s the key to your quest (for a FF title) being an enjoyable and satisfying experience. If you don’t like who’s in charge or the rules they set, go somewhere else for your FF thrills. You have what…32 ba-gilla-zillion options out there? If you choose to stay regardless, then shut up and respect the person’s sacrifice of time and initiative to make things happen for
the group. Follow the rules. Don’t complain about them or try to change them.

2. Do you know what people hate more than losing their hard-earned money? Losing their hard-earned money to a jerk-off. Win with honor. If you don’t know how to do that, go watch the ending of Gladiator with Russell Crowe.

3. Losing with honor is equally important. Always congratulate the winner, even if you get knocked-out of the contest by Week 7 and you have to hang around for another 9 weeks to do so. There can only be one in the end and odds are, it ain’t gunna be you. So practice-up boys. 

4. Also practice the art of trash-talk. It really is an art form. There’s a very thin and easily-breachable line between poking fun at someone and legitimately bruising an ego. When a bunch of alpha males are cramped together, closely observing one another in the wild, the wrong kind of comment can easily causes an excessive amount of embarrassment. This, of course, demands a response of equal or greater magnitude in order to preserve the egos at stake. Things can quickly escalate from there and it’s usually painful and irritating for the others to watch. Don’t be that guy.

5. Remember, most intra-league communication is in written form (i.e. forum posts or group e-mails). Written comments are usually interpreted more negatively than they are intended to be by the author. So, before you fire back that witty zinger, give the other guy the benefit of the doubt and shrug off the comment before risking an escalation of conflict with your overly emotional response.

6. The best way to avoid an “overly emotional response” is to prepare your comment (in order to vent) and then just go to bed instead. Read what you prepared the next morning with a fresh perspective and if it still seems appropriate then, by all means, hit SEND.

7. Pay your fees on time, before the season starts and near the end of the season. Don’t be a deadbeat. If you can’t manage that simple courtesy, then join a free league instead. The winner deserves to be paid promptly, not on a delayed basis because the Commish is pulling accounts receivable duty.

8. Realize that luck is a significant factor in achieving fantasy victory. You can minimize the impacts of injuries, suspensions, trades and other unforeseeable occurrences with your extensive knowledge…but only minimally. Don’t be delusional in crediting your achievements to pure skill while dismissing your opponents’ successes to sheer luck. Take a consistent position either way.

9. If a mistake occurs or a concern arises throughout the season, raise it politely to the group AND make a useful suggestion for correcting the problem. If you can’t contribute in a positive manner to finding a remedy, then step aside and shut-up. Let others more qualified address the problem. Don’t hinder their progress.

10. Finally, don’t quit midseason. Keep competing. Make things challenging for the remaining contenders any fair way you can. Don’t dump players. Don’t cheapen their ultimate victory. Don’t sulk or insult people. Don’t be the dork of the draft.

Best wishes to all the site’s visitors and competitors this season. May your leagues thrive and your wallets (or bragging rights) surge. Peace out.